wisdom of the macaw

[ a section of the Penguin Epic.  In the vein of my teenage obsession with fantasy and science fiction, this book is based on the premise that Animals can talk, and live lives like we do. This section is a jump into a future section of the story, and unfortunately gives away a detail about what has happened to a character from the book. Sorry if this frustrates some.  The Macaw is a macaw and the ruler of this kingdom.  And Icarus is a Penguin.  And their country is at war. ]

 

“Guards, close the door.”  The great macaw said.

Icarus turned to leave, assuming the bird king meant to be alone.

“No, you stay.”  The king said while looking directly at icarus.   The deep blue bird removed his crown, and placed it on the desk between him and the penguin.   He breathed deeply, and halfway through letting it out he whispered. “Please sit.”

Icarus awkwardly struggled at climbing atop the stool the king was referring to.  The stool was made for terrestrial animals, where as the perches around the room were made for the bird.  But those, for obvious reason, were of no use to the penguin.

Icarus tried to cover the fact he was out of breath.  As he sat nervously.

“How old are you?”

“14 yearss old. Your magessty.”  Icarus breathed deeply trying to hide his lisp, and calm his slightly pounding lungs.

The macaw nodded and threw a a voice just over a whisper he said.

“Icarus, I am 140 years old.”  He made no effort to emphasize that statement, but his shoulders and back relaxed once he said it. Icarus tried not to react to this fact, this bird he was talking to had seen more of history than most animals alive.

“The only part of our nation that has seen more life than me would be the trees and the hills.”  His blue feathers glistened as he let out a soft laugh.

“What is it that you want Icarus?”

“To fly majessty.  To defend this home.”

“And you need to fly to defend it?”

“Yes majesty.”

“Do these guards, silver-back gorillas… born to the ground, need to fly to defend me?”

Icarus feared answering.  The song his father sang to calm him while they used to fly echoed in his mind and he said “They are not birds majesty.”

The Macaw did not smile, but he did nod.

“You lost your parents young Icarus?”

“My mother majesty.  Father still fishes in the western sea.”

“I have no parents.”  The macaw said.  Icarus felt odd to hear then fact that he had read in the history books said allowed.  Both of the Bird King’s parents had died when he was just 5 due to a northern raid in the early fighting between the kingdoms.  “I have seen more life and more death than most wish to know, and I know how a bird changes when a spouse dies.”  The king’s dark eyes glistened only slightly. “You did lose both of your parents.” He blinked slowly. “Or you would be home.”

Anger turned Icarus’ beak red hot as water fought to fill his eyes.

“When were you last home?”

“Six y…” Icarus coughed.  The shaking in his voice cleared slightly. “Six years ago majesty.”

Icarus readjusted in his seat.  His feet dangled off the edge.  His formal jacket, though the smallest size available, hung loosely.

“This war is filled with animals that have stories worth repeating.  Animals that fight for their kid, their chick, their young at home.  Or they fight to win a mate at home.  So in the end, their story has a worthy end.  Then there is you Icarus.  You want to fly, but you can not fly.  You want to defend your home, but have spent most of your life away from it.  Your life fills the whispered gossip of our nation, but it is not a story worth repeating beyond that.”  The king leaned back on his perch. “Do you know the ‘song of the bear?’”

“The nursery rhyme?  Yes.”    Icarus remembered it from the book his mother had read from that smelled like dust and cookies. He prayed he wouldn’t have to recite it.

In a world of cold dirt and lumber

The bear of the woods looks to slumber

His paws, the small fear and fall under

The bear of the woods looks to slumber

The toil the plan and the work of summer

The bear of the woods looks to slumber

Winter has come 

Work is done

The bear of the woods lives in slumber.

The Bird King continued, The bears of this word are the most fearsome warriors, the catalysts that change kingdoms, the animals on the front lines.  But yet, they are meant to rest and it is perfectly natural.  I believe our modern bear’s desire to ignore that instinct has been a downfall of civility.  A bear at rest is beautiful.  Something so powerful, so deadly embracing the still and the quiet.  In days of old, a bears home was their focus because they knew that for a good portion of their lives, they would rest in it.”

He gestured with his wings outstretched, “Heroes are made when their hearts are at rest so they can be thrown into chaos.  Go home, see your father.  If any voice is to repeat your story beyond vane intrigue, let it be your father’s.”

The king looked down to his crown and continued, “Fathers are taken daily.  Mothers are taken daily.”  He looked up again with a softened brow “Find rest, and then worry about flying.”

 

Education

[ a section of the Penguin Epic.  In the vein of my teenage obsession with fantasy and science fiction, this book is based on the premise that Animals can talk, and live lives like we do.  Harid, Hagar, and Abel are all pelicans.   And their country is at war. ]

“They are still out there, want me to throw rocks at em?” Harid’s voice echoed of the large window he faced. He attempted to count the number of reporters swarming around the cliff-top house.  Hagar was on the floor with Icarus.  Able stood towards the back of the room holding a coffee and staring at the open bay window. The coffee had gone cold.

 

“No dad.  It will pass.  Just like it did when we Icarus first arrived.”  Hagar responded.

 

“Everything alright mum?”  Icarus’ small voice almost got lost in the size of the room combined with the commotion outside.   His use of mum always made Able tense his shoulders.  Icarus had been speaking for a while now.  Long enough for the Pelicans to talk about sending him to school.

 

“Well if he is staying he needs to get an education.” Hagar stated. 

 

“So he’s staying?” Able said.

 

“Where else is he going to go?  You know how I feel.” Hagar said. 

 

“I know, and I don’t want to kick him out, but he is not our son.  We have already done so much.  More than most would.”

 

“He is as much our son as we are willing to let him be.  He is staying.  He is going to grow up soon. I don’t want him to grow up to be a waste.  He is going to school.”

 

And that was it.  If anything, it would get the small bird out of the house.  With Icarus and Harid … the house was getting crowded.

 

Two weeks ago they had begun the search for a school.  The terrestrial school made some sense for the penguin, but even though the bird walked on the ground he wasn’t meant to go to school with bears, dogs, wolves, cats, and other animals that instinctually wanted to attack small birds.  So they approached the School for Winged Animals.  Harbortown is a small town, word of a polar animal in a local school spread.

 

Outside their home stood nosey neighbors now combining with the numerous voice recorders, animals with note pads, and professional spectators.

 

“You’d think we’d killed someone.”  Hagar said.

 

“I think I might.”  Harid said.

 

Able put his coffee down. He tussled his beak on the back of his wife’s head.

 

The door made a mechanical click as it shut behind him.  The silence in the front yard existed only a few feet in front of the pelican as he walked to the wall of reporters.   The beaver that had lived next door to him for years had long ago stopped pretending to garden and now stood with soiled gardening gloves and an out-of-place shovel in his right paw. A reporter, a cat of equal size, stood with her hair tensed as dirt fell from the shovel onto her notepad.

 

Abel made no effort to raise his voice. “Why are you on my lawn?”

 

A small chimp in the pine branch above abel leaned down to with a camera in one hand, “Is it your intention to enroll a polar animal in school with our city’s pups, chicks, and kids?”  Other animals nodded in interest and agreement.

 

“That is a choice for my family.”

 

“But it is our kids you would be putting in danger!” The beaver spoke louder than he intend. His arms shook with excitement.  The cat shook the soil from her papers.

 

Abel shifted.

“I won’t make light of our war.  I won’t make light of the animals dying daily due to polar attacks.  But I won’t be lead to think this bird has anything to do with them.  Last time I checked Icarus weighs less than my right wing and barely reaches my knee.  Only way your kids would be in danger is if they developed an allergy to small birds.”

No laugher came.  So he kept on.

“All we we want is for this animal to be raised right.  Same as you and yours. If you are kean on protesting that, then you can raise him.  But since you all seem to think he is a walking explosive, that responsibility falls to us.  We love this town, and we love this bird.  Both things equal.  Accept it or not.  Keep reporting or not.  But last time I checked, learning the alphabet and sacked lunches aren’t news.  Good day.”

 

The door again made a mechanical click as it shut with the Pelican inside his home with his family.

A simple thing about comedy

A comedian’s goal is to make a group of strangers laugh.

I would succeed at it sometimes.

But after a few years of training, writing and performing,  I found something.

When I was around my untrained… non-comedian… “civilian” friends, I would find them funnier and more engaging than SO MANY people who chose comedy as a profession.

Why?

This is my opinion, but I feel that comedians have 5 minutes to get a group of people understand their view of the world.  Once the audience learns that view, then the jokes flow easily because the audience is there with you… they know you.  That is the best and most organic feeling in comedy, and why an audience member finds themselves laughing at jokes 30 min into a comedian’s set that are not funny when read independently but hilarious in the moment.

So when you have a group of friends around you, these people have had a lifetime to learn who you are… your perspective … and are more ‘with you’ than any group of strangers. And so when your friend makes that same outburst in the same way they ALWAYS do then you errupt with laughter.  Comedy is based upon patterns and surprise.  Few things are more satisfying and sincere than laugher caused by people’s repeated habits/opinions surprising us in new and unexpected ways.

Support live comedy, but I think it is more important to support hilarious friends.

Prologue. The Penguin Epic.

[ a rewriting of the opening to the Penguin Epic.  In the vein of my teenage obsession with fantasy and science fiction, this book is based on the premise that Animals can talk, and live lives like we do. ]

“Commander Rolland, the doctors tell me that you should be dead.”  This voice had bass to it. It growled its words off of the dark stone walls of the small room.

“Yes sir.” Rolland responded. He leaned into the glow of the single lantern at the center of the table.

“According to your statement, you sustained your injuries during a raid of the War Lord Nasslek’s supply train.  Your torn wing and broken leg happened as a result of an” Papers shuffle as the exact quote is searched for “an ‘estimated 150 meter fall after ejecting from your damaged aircraft.’  Then an attack from northern kingdom ground troops.’”

“Yes sir.”

“Were they light infantry?”

“No sir.  Snow leopard advance units.”

“Bird killers.”

“Yes sir.  3 attackers, males, 60 kilos each.” Rolland kept his head up, but his bandages and splints were heavy. His frame to shook every time he took a breath.

“So your plane blew up, you fell 150 meters , and were then mauled by 3 cats that were 10 times your size.”

“Yes. sir.” Rolland let out a breath.

 

“Stay awake Commander.”  A giant brown paw reached forward from the dark side of the table. It held a recording device.  The machine clicked and began to whirl with activity.

“State your name, rank, and species.”

“Rolland ReynardsSon, Commander Middle Kingdom Air Force recon squadron six. Western Hawk.”

“Commander you are aware that these proceedings and this recording are considered classified documents, and mention of either outside of this room without permission of myself or his majesty will result in immediate denial and your execution?”

“Yes sir.”

“How many missions prior to mission CSR 3 had your squadren flown?”

“22 active missions and 12 war scenarios.”

“In those 34 missions how many pilots did you lose?”

“None sir.”

“How many pilots have ever been lost by the Middle Kingdom Airforce?”

“None sir.”

 

“48 hours ago your squadron flew operation CSR3 corrent?”

“Yes sir.”

“How many pilots were lost during operation CSR3?”

“All.”

“All?”  Dry sarcasm dripped from his voice.

“Well, Officially no pilot came back.”

“Elaborate Commander.”

“The surviving pilot has been injured beyond flight capability.”

“For audio clarification, that one survivor is you, am I correct?”

Rolland’s unbandaged but blooadshot right eye stared forward.  Attempting to make eye contact with a set of eyes that were too far in the darkness to find.

“Yes sir.”

“What was different this time commander?  Did your commanding officer waver in his duties?”

“No sir.”

“Did you rely on bad intel?”

“Not entirely sir.”

“Do you have any estimation then Commander as to the cause of the first ever losses in the history of the Middle Kingdom’s airforce?”

“…”

“Silence is not an answer comander .”

“Push an animal hard enough, hurt them bad enough, and there is no predicting how they will react.  The tribes of the north have been pushed from our boarders long enough and been without food long enough that they bit our paw.  They bit hard.”

 

The only sound was that of the recorder and the faint muffled growl from the darkend side of the table.

The pregnant pause was so weighted, it took all of rolland’s effort to not fill it with more information.

The large paw slapped forward and clicked off the recorder in one jolted motion.

“The weight of war is on my shoulders not yours commander, past decisions about boarders were made by animals far above your intelligence and this recording will reach their ears.  You would be wise to hold your tongue and accept your squadron’s failure.”

The face of a large brown bear leaned into the light and sniffed the air. His countless tattooed commendations reflected light like poorly healed scars on the animal’s massive arms and shoulders.

“Wether it was your fault or not commander will still be decided.”  He pressed stop on the recorder.

“Regardless, fear is what kept our borders safe.  Kept our families safe.  Kept our pups kids and chicks safe.  It was fear.  Fear of you birds.  You hallow-boned air-gliding rodents with guns.” The bear glared directly into roland’s one good eye.

Roland shifted in his seat as he tried to pick which one of the bears eyes he should stare at with his one.  He let out a breath. The bear’s breath smelled of peat, and burned tabacco.

“In 48 hours though the world has changed.  Thanks to OUR WOUNDED PAW, we do not own the skies anymore. ”  A match struck against the rough edge of the table and erupted light in the darkness in front of the bear’s large frame. The embers of a cigar glowed red as the bear inhaled”

“our enemy knows this.”  Smoke slowly rolled from the bears chapped nostrils.  A cloud hovered between them both.  Roland’s eye blurred and watered.

The bear wispered, but the depth of his voice carried his message clearly. ”Your loss just cracked our armor.”

 

Inspiration, a language I don’t always speak

About 5 years ago I was starting my comedy career and found myself being asked to speak to groups of students about my life in education.

I don’t have an incredibly unique or inspiring story, but I do have the ability to make stories sound unique and inspiring.

I would talk about how I was told as a kid that I was different, and that according to my teachers that I should have been put on Ritalin.  I then would talk about my focusing the energy and hyperness I had as a kid into my current performing.

It was as inspiring as a talk could get from a kid with an amazing family and no major medical hurdles.

So one speaking engagement turned into two that turned into four… and so it went for a couple years.  I was then asked by a teacher in Norwalk to come speak to their Jr. High kids.

I fear Jr. High students.  I think all people fear Jr. High students, including Jr. High students.  They are at an age that makes them feel so uncertain, I blame puberty and the Disney Chanel, and so they act out this uncertainty by either being very sweet and surprisingly mature kids, or they act out through yelling insults they learn from their older siblings.

I wanted to push myself beyond my current comfort level so I agreed to the speaking engagemnet and began to tailor my talk to the needs of the school.

The day of the awkward talk I arrive at the school in Norwalk (which is a city that I consider just a milestone on my way to Los Angeles) and approach the vice principal who was coordinating the day. She greeted me and then introduced me to my interpreter for the talk.

My what?

Interpreter.

Into what language?

Not english.

The fact that the kids didn’t speak English isn’t surprising now that I look back at this, but it was at the time.

So the talk now consisted of my speaking to hundreds of tweens from a low income LA City that don’t speak english about my success and struggle in life as a well-off kid from Orange County.

It didn’t go well.

I wasn’t even paid.  Which made sense.  I felt more like donating money to some of these sweet kids that were just trying to make it.

Realistically I ended up going into a situation far beyond my comfort zone, but as good as it was to do that… IT WASN’T MY CHOICE.  I wanted to push myself, but not this far.

No one told me about the language barrier.  And so as brave as I could ever try to spin this, I was just in the speaking equvilent to a natural disaster.

But the good news is, I learned to research the talk more and discuss with administration about thier needs and truly ask them “am I the best fit for their students?”

SO I guess I learned something, and I also learned that Norwalk was better as a thing I passed on my way to LA.

professionally awkward

“Open mic nights are hilarious, unless they have comedians performing in them.” – my brother Trevor.

The term “open mic night” sends a wave of discomfort through my body.  Not just mine, but I am sure it does the same to anyone who has been invited to one by a co-worker, loved one, or some poor aspiring performer.

It is a night where the stage that is usually dedicated to the professional comic is opened to the public.  So that anyone that signs up, pays a fee, or brings a certain number of people is able to get on stage and literally do anything they want for 5 minutes.

No one likes these nights that are dedicated to the non-professional.  Rather than watching a smooth well-timed joke machine, an open mic night is the live version of a bad you-tube video or something akin to an awkward family dinner.

No other profession gives their tools out to the newcomer like this.  At no point have I been to an “amateur chef night” at an Olive Garden.  Or a “bring your mit to the game night” at Angel’s stadium.  Or a “just wash your hands and dive in night” at the Saddleback Emergency Room.

But this is exactly what comedians do.  It is what I did.  I wasn’t good either.  I was as bad as the rest of them.  Even when I was seasoned from years of being on stage, open mic nights were still the place I would simply squirm on stage.

It was as if you absorbed the shear awkwardness that floated in the air of the room and then embodied it while being amplified by a PA system.  I may have been too empathetic, but it felt like I walked up there feeling the weight of all of the things I had seen throughout the night.  Like the missed punchlines, poorly explained premises, unorigonal set-ups, and jokes about sex by people who should not be allowed to have it .

My last open mic night was spent a place called the HaHa Cafe.  I sat through the night and watched as the guy running the night proceeded to not tell a joke.  Instead he spent the whole night gently rubbing his shaved head and talking about how much he enjoys the company of women.  He would pause constantly while breathing heavily and then he would go into awkward detail about many different “adult” situations.   He got really bad when he decided to start to calling the female comedians to the stage for their turn at the mic and then ask them if they would like to go home with him.  People laughed, but only because they needed to do something.

He called my name for my turn.  Rather than shaking my hand, he hugged me for an awkwardly long time.  At that closeness I saw where his self-tanner smeared on his neck.

I looked at the jokes in my hand that I wanted to test for a show I had, and I decided to not tell them.  Instead I just called out how inappropriate this guy was.  How he made everyone feel uncomfortable, and how he didn’t tell a single joke at all but instead attempted to proposition all the women in the room.  I did this, and he responded by yelling out a comment about how bad I must be in bed.  I paused so that it could really sink in and then said.

“Even that wasn’t funny, and you had awkward tension on your side.”

I got a laugh, and felt like a open-mic-night Rob Roy.

I told my one joke I needed to test.  It didn’t go well.  I got off stage before he came near me, and never did an open mic again.  I left the room feeling bad because that guy knew no better.

But maybe I did something that would raise the standards in the room a bit.  Not by being great, but by trying to bring some decency into a place that smells like self-tanner and awkward dreams.

my blog simplified

I decided to bring this blog back to it’s roots.

I will be just writing on it from time to time with no concern about the # of views.  No worry about promoting it.

I want to use it so that I know I have a place to write.  And a place that I know will be public.  Because as much as this is sounding like a romantic “back to the basics” type of move… I still worry about what people think.

I will write opinions and remembered stories from when I was in comedy, and I will use it to write fiction.

I am looking forward to it.

Able and Hagar

[ a section from a chapter I wrote in the Penguin Epic.  In the vein of my teenage obsession with fantasy and science fiction, this book is based on the premise that Animals can talk, and live lives like we do.  These characters are Pelicans. ]

Off the shore, a small blue rowboat sat on the wet ground that was exposed from low tide. Every time the two of them visited this spot, the unused boat was there as their third companion. The bottom of the boat had worn to a dull brown.  Though the boat was still intact, the missing left ore and horribly faded paint led one to believe that the owner of this craft had forgotten it.

In better days, Able and Hagar had walked out to the boat and sat in it while the sun set and the moon showed its face.  They had spent hours talking about Able’s adventures on the sea.  About Hagar’s mother and father, and how Harid had been crusty and hilariously cold to all the men in Hagar’s life, not just Able.

Able remembered joking: “Here, I thought I was especially disliked.”

They had laughed about that and about the youthful awkwardness of their courtship.  They had spent nights talking about how much Hagar missed her mother since she died and how she worried about her father being alone. Eventually most times spent in the old boat ended with talk about children.

“We need to name them something meaningful,”  Able had argued.

“My parents’ names are meaningful, Able.” Hagar explained.

“No, I do not want to name a son Harid, then I will assume he will be genetically prone to call me ‘the guy that smells like fish’ just like your dad.” Able said.

“What is wrong with that nickname?” Hagar asked through a smile.

“Nothing if it were a nickname, but I think he uses it because he doesn’t know my actual name! He never took the time to learn it! To your dad, I’m just ‘Fish guy.’  If he had handled our wedding invitations, they would have read ‘the marriage of Hagar and some guy that smells like salmon.’ Therefore, I think we should name our kid when we see him or her.  We need to give them a name that fits.”   Able said, resting his case.

After a thoughtful pause, Hagar said, “You’re right.”

“Wait…what …you agree with me on the name thing?”  Able asked surprised.

“No.  You are right.  You do smell horribly like fish.”  Hagar joked. They had spent most nights like that, happy and hopeful.

Today was the first day back at the boat since they had heard the news that they weren’t having kids.  How would this affect how Hagar looked at the boat?  If she was willing to go out there with him, maybe there would be a way to get back to that comfort they had before.   He sat there and tried to build confidence, like he had when he had first asked for her to dance.  Every time he would build up confidence, he would look over at her and feel that the time just wasn’t right.

Then all of a sudden he heard, “Able, lets walk out to the boat.” Hagar said this, and Able could barely contain his excitement.

New Shows, New VIDEO and you are invited to everything!

I have a ton of show in the next couple weeks. Here are the highlights :

If you live in Orange County,

OC’s Funniest round 2

click image to go to facebook event

IMG_5766

Every year there is a competition in Orange County to pick oc’s funniest stand up.  So I made it past round one, and if you want to hang out with my mom and watch me in round 2… then come on down this friday.  Just click the image to take you to the facebook event and get the details.

Here is  a clip from last round

IF YOU LIVE IN LA

Tomorrow night is the AWARD WINNING

LOCAL 132 @ 9 pm

click on image to purchase tickets in advance.

liographic

Our team is the 2007 Harold Competitions Champions, and we share the hour with the 2009 Harold Competition Champions.  It is an hour of championship improv comedy and I am very proud of this team.

It is 21 and over

We perform every tuesday at 9 pm on the I.O. west mainstage and the address for this stage is::

6366 Hollywood Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Click on the image for more details.

Also this week and next is my improv team::

BOOMTOWN

click on the image for the facebook event for this week

This improv comedy team is comprised of incredibly tallented comedians that I have been performing with since 2002 at Cal Poly.

We are performing at Ultimate Improv this Week

8 pm
$5
Ultimate improv theater
954 Gayley
Westwood,CA

And we are performing at the show, LETS DO THIS next friday Oct 30th

click image for more details and pre-sale tickets

Hemet California’s Main Export :: Old People

Last night I performed stand up in the meeting hall of The United Methodist Church of Hemet California.

That is right Hemet California. HEMET. I had never heard of this city, and I proved it by accidentally calling it HELMET for about a week before the show. Which in my opinion is a much better name.


helmetca

for trevor and fans of frisky dingo

Turns out, as cool as HELMET California would be, HEMET California is cool only if you are unaware of what the word cool means.

If you don’t know where Hemet is, this map might help::

hemet

I was asked by a good comedian friend to come out to this random town in the middle of the desert and perform a set of comedy for his grandmother’s church.

What I didn’t know is that the only thing in Hemet is adorable people in their golden years (and an Applebees). And this church was filled with all of those old people’s grandparents.

THEY WERE VERY OLD.

I was under the assumption it was a church, but due to their age I soon realized that these were the people who actually WROTE the Bible!

oldpeople

It is near impossible to tailor material to a crowd that’s still thinks automobiles are new technology.

I started seeing if I could adjust material to involve terms that they would know like “World’s Fair,” “Speak Easy,” or “Flappers.” Here is an example of a possible social reference joke they could identify with::

“Hey check out that Bearcat hanging out with that Egg laying patch in that Strugglebuggy o’ theirs. That’s Big Six is higher than the Lindbergh Feller over the Atlantic! Am I right?”

At one point I tried crowd work, and when I asked a nice old man what his name was they LITERALLY had to WAKE HIM UP!!!!! I then found out he was 93 years old and his wheelchair was in the other room. He was enjoying my show against his will.

It was a demographic that I never thought I could appeal to. Truthfully, I didn’t think this Demographic was still alive.

It was a new kind of nervous. I knew they would be nice.

They weren’t going to be mean, they didn’t have their hearing aids turned up high enough to effectively heckle. All the applause and laughter was very polite.

At the end of the show, I felt like I just visited all of my friend’s grandmothers all at once.

I am a comic who will perform ANYWHERE. I really will. And now I can add Hemet “we just got an Applebees”, California to the list!

I appreciated the experience and I think everyone had a good night, even if it was just because they got in a good nap.

————————————————————————-

At the end of the show though, I got the heck out of there.  ’Cause that many old people in cars is scary to anyone. They can’t be good drivers if their first car was purchased from a blacksmith.

I didn’t want to get taken out by a purple Chrysler with a fake convertible top driven by a world war I vet.

death

If you don’t know what I mean, this south park clip sums up my fears perfectly

Orange County’s Funniest Comedy Show in a Hotel Conference Room

Last night was the first round in my attempt to win the title ::

Orange County’s Funniest Person.

It was fun, my set went well.  I won round one, so there are 2 more rounds for me to fight through.

This is a lot like the tournament from Karate Kid, except instead of a small asian man in my corner it’s my mom in the sweatshirt I made her.

karatekidmom

I have done this tournement before. So in many ways, the show was normal.  Normal in the fact that the drinks were about 9000 dollars a piece, bill word started the show off with the same voice over joke that my brother hates, and most of the comics were great (some horrid).

The thing that was different about this show was that it was held in the Multi-Purpose Room at the Renaissance Club Sport Aliso Viejo

You can enjoy a great comedy show and even get in some good cardio.

Great place for stand up comedy competitions and family reunions!

Yeah, we did a comedy show in a place that still smelled like the Technical Conference they had in that room earlier that day.

It was ridiculous.

It reminded me of this scene from southpark.

Needless to say, the night was great.  I had a goal of just doing a set I was proud of and I know I acomplished that.

Trevor even said it was the best set I have done.

brother approves

brother approves

So that is a good thing.

Other highlights of the night::

1. Random lady with inappropriate things dangling from her mostly exposed chest.

2. Old new york female comedian making my girlfriend cringe

3. Watching my dad laugh at jokes I didn’t know he would get, or didn’t want to know he would get.

4. Knowing that my mom’s friend doesn’t hate me even though she had a permanent scowl on her face after sitting through some rough comics talking about sex toys.  Sorry mom’s friend, but hey at least I was clean.

thanks everyone (especially to all those that come to soooo many of my shows they might be able to do my set for me if I can’ make it) , and I will see you next round on october 23rd.

New Website – Same Old AWESOME COMEDY

After tons of effort and even more excitement fueling that effort I am happy to show off the newly refurbished jeffclinard.com.
(and who said we should fear technology)

My goal was to make this site more direct and better looking.
I think those goals were achieved.

All my contact info and media(videos and the pictures will be ready soon) is readily available at all times to the right of the page.

I am happy to have you here and if you are an educator, please take the time to see the new speaking site ::

main_background

jeffclinard.com/speaking

thanks, and come see a show

jeff

Death, Planes, and faked Bravery… all for a beautiful blonde

I will start at the end. I am writing this from the dining room table of a massive log cabin mansion on a hill in Sun Valley Idaho. I woke up late this morning after falling asleep on a couch with my girlfriend watching Roman Holiday.

One day ago.

We arrived in Salt Lake City for a layover to find that there was a huge wildfire outside of the city.  The air was hot, the airport was humid, and the sky was a deep smoke orange. For such a spiritual city … it sure seemed like God was angry.

Once we arrived at our gate, and there was a huge crowd of people surrounding the flight attendant. She was yelling like a town crier, and we soon discovered that our plane was now too heavy for the flight. With bags, and people… our airplane was too heavy to make it to Sun Valley.

ourplane

No matter what the outcome in this situation, this announcement did not instill trust in the airline’sability FLY PLANES!

We need to lose 7 people from the flight (or 3 fatties) to meet the weight requirements,” said overwhelmed-underpaid flight attendant.

So she first asked for volunteers to get off the flight.  But since this was a tiny jet filled with rich people going to a celebrity-filled ski town… no one knew how to volunteer for anything.

It turned into a life-boat scenario. We all lined up to board. The flight crew then went through the line and picked people to leave behind.  Jamie said it was like ‘The Bachelorette.’ I said it was more like 1940’s Germany.

rabbi

Jamie asked, “What if we were meant to get off the plane?”

"How weird would it be if we don't go, and the plane crashed?" said by jamie

"How weird would it be if we don't go, and the plane crashed?" said by jamie

Thanks Jamie. Thanks for comparing us to Final Destination.’ That calms me down about death!(SAID SARCASTICALLY!)

When we saw our “PLANE” I understood why we had a weight limit. Where there should be jet engines, there are propellers.  It is propelled by PROPELLERS!!!!!!!

This technology is far too old for me to be happy about trusting it at 5,000 ft. Propellers… really??? I wouldn’t have been surprised to see our bags being loaded by horse-drawn carriages. So we start piling onto our adventure plane that is obviously taken from the prop house of ‘Indiana Jones.’

indiana-jones

The plane was tiny. I could high-five the pilot from my seat. He gave us the grim news of our flight details.

“Well it’s hot and windy here for our take-off. (a.k.a., ‘You might puke’)
At our final flying altitude, the winds are gonna be rough. (‘You will puke a bunch in this plane)
And I just got some storm cloud warnings for our descent into Sun Valley. (‘Lift your feet up, ‘cause there’s gonna be tons of puke!’)

But, then he still ended the talk with…”So, please sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.”

The plane moved in weird ways.  Unnatural ways. It was a propeller plane moving like I do when I think i have a spider in my shirt.

The sky was blood red.

View from my seat while in the air.

View from my seat while in the air.

I guessed we were diverting from Sun Valley, Idaho into MORDOR!

Eventually the plane made everyone puke.  The flight attendant was running back and forth with latex gloves, trash bags and apologies.

The sky was too rough to land in Sun Valley, so we had to divert to Twin Falls, Idaho. The sandwich I had for lunch was bigger than this airport.

Once we landed, all the puking people opted for leaving the plane and renting a car instead of staying in this plane with a hull as thick as a windbreaker.

“So you are the brave ones, we’re just gonna get up in the air and give landing in Sun Valley another shot,” said Mr. Possibly-Drunk Pilot!

Another ‘shot’? You say that when referring to billiards, darts, and trying to make a baby. NOT LANDING A FLYING MACHINE FILLED WITH ME!

So they get the propellers spinning again and before we knew it we were barely in the air again.

Jamie, my supermodel-hot, amazing girlfriend looked at me eyes as big as MY face and started shaking with fear.

I did what any brave man would do. I distracted her with Sky Mall..

skymall

“Jeff, I am scared.”

“How can you be scared, when we can order the world’s largest crossword puzzle?”

She said I helped her stay calm. I rubbed her back, and I told her everything would be OK. That washow I behaved outwardly. But in my head, I peed my pants.

We landed, I got out, and I kissed the ground.

Our stupid plane, post-landing

Our stupid plane, post-landing

Our rental car is a subaru forester.

We're not lesbians, but our car is.

We're not lesbians, but our car is.

We got to Jamie’s dad’s house. He greeted us with steak, wine, and a newly-grown mountain beard.

Jamie hates planes, and I now won’t watch the movie ‘Memphis Belle‘.

You’re WELCOME Memphis Bar & Grill in Costa Mesa

It was an amazing Show last week!  The producer of the show, Chris Edwards, knows how to pull a show off in the most random venues!

The night started off rough.  We were supposed to start our show at 9pm, but it is a show that takes place at a Cafe & Bar. So there were still a ton of people finishing up their dinner right in the area that we wanted to perform our hilarious jokes.

So we started an hour late because a friendly family of 15 was opening gifts for a bday party.  I didn’t mind, I stole some cake and found out that I knew the family! Small world.  Oc is a big rich republican county with a small town feel!

Once the show got started, I was impressed by all the comics.  There were four of us and we all fell into our specialized rolls that chris needed from us.  Like the a-team with a 2 drink minimum.

Mark Kravitz :: Demolitions Expert and specialized skills in Warming up a crowd with loud distracting noices in the background.

Chris Edwards :: Technology Specialist and Expert at being the only Black Comic in OC.

Jeff Clinard :: Animal Expert and might not be hilarious, but his mom sure brings a crowd to see him!

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Graham Elwood :: Weapons and Tactical Commandar, and the only one of us with a legit TV credit.

I appriciated all these comics, even Graham.  Though he did refer to me as Steve the entire night.

He kept saying “Steve had this great joke about vegans…”

or

“Steve was right, those D-bags roll deep.”

He was dumb for messing up my name but so nice for complimenting my jokes.   I didn’t know how to respond!

Thank you to all those that came out, and I look forward to doing this show again sometime.

Here is a clip from the set.

Talked to God this morning, he really liked my set last night.

Thanks to all that came out to help raise money for the Casa Alegre Orphanage last night in Orange County.  It was a great show, and I was happy to share the stage with such a great group of comics.

So even if it was by the grace of God that made you laugh at my jokes, I still appreciate how great and welcoming the crowd was.  Even the hecklers raised their hands and used terrific grammar.

Some highlights of my set were::

1. Being asked to do an impromptu raffle!

2. Teaching a random audience member that when the whole church is expecting you to give someone a high five, don’t go against the church. Give the HIGH FIVE!!!

3. People seem to like my crappy Joel Osteen impression.

Here are some pictures from the night::

Do you Like Clean Comedy and Helping Orphans?

I have a great Orange County show this Saturday with a goal of raising some much needed funding for the Casa Alegre Orphanage. If you are in Orange County and feel comfortable laughing in a Church you should stop by.

“LIFE AND LAUGHTER” – CHIAPAS CLEAN COMEDY NIGHT

with BUZZY ENNISS, JEFF CLINARD and FRIENDS to BENEFIT ORPHANAGE IN NEED

Cost:
$10
Date:
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Time:
6:30pm – 9:30pm
Location:
Mission Hills Community Church
Street:
29582 Aventura
City/Town:
Rancho Santa Margarita, CA

FACEBOOK EVENT

Making Orange County Laugh Till it Hurts Tomorrow and Next Week

I have a bunch of great Stand Up Comedy Shows in the next two weeks all in Orange County!  The first two are both right in Costa Mesa.

Tomorrow (weds) I will be at Westside Bar & Grill @ 9 pm

Click on image for facebook event

westside1

Next Week I will be in the first ever…

MEMPHIS COMEDY SHOW.

Click on image for facebook event

It is going to be legendary. And I guess I am a big enough deal to make it on the poster, but not enough to get a picture… geeze.
funniest-guys-poster

An update on who Jeff is performing with, improv, sketch, and stand up

locallogo

Local 132 is an improv team, we won the 2007 Harold Competition, and perform every Tuesday @ 9pm on the IO west mainstage

boomtown-copy

Boomtown is an improv team that is made up of friends of mine from Cal Poly. We performed together in SLO, and now perform at UCB together as well. New team, very funny.

kplogo

Kodiak Park is the core of my writing in LA, there are 4 of us. We perform improv, sketch, film vidoes, and put on a monthly show in la called The Late Night Comedy Gower. We are hilarious.

penguin1

website

then there is always my solo stuff. I am performing more stand up than ever. I have regular shows at the Comedy Store, and tons in OC. I even have some charity fundraisers at churches in the next month. I have jokes for everybody!

Comedy Store Main Room :: Supportive Hecklers Welcome

Last night was my second Main Stage show at the Comedy Store in a month.

I once again had a great turn out for me.  Tons of fans/friends came out and showed their support.

Even with my mom out of town, I was able to be bring more people to the show than the other comics.  I know she was out of town, but I know she also used the guilt she felt from her absense to full her promoting.  A lot of people came from our family’s church and from Cars & Coffee (My dad’s weekly grassroots car show in Orange County).

The other comics were really funny this time, to my knowledge none of my friends from church left offended, and I had a great set.

I have really polished out my 6-8minute set into something I can be proud of.  I did my Little Person observations, and the audience freaking loved the “…get off you little horse” line.

tiny horse!

tiny horse!

I ended strong with my Orange County D-Bag material.  Even with a tight 6 minutes, I was able to have a great interaction with the audience. I made an observation that:: …men hate being called cute, and so if women can call us cute then we can call women jolly. The joke hit well, and rightfully so. Because Jolly has the conotation of Santa, jello, and heavier people. But the magical interaction with the audience occured when a kind-hearted girl yelled out::

“Hey I like being Jolly.  That means I’m Happy.”

-kind heckler

Artist rendering of what the positive heckler might look like...

Artist rendering of what the positive heckler might look like...

I  imidiately loved this audience member.  She was this soft spoken tinny girl, yelling something out so that I could know that not all girls find that positive word offensive.  It was GREAT. my response::

“Thank you very much.  I love your attitude.  Ladies and gentlemen, that was an example of a positive heckle.  Thank you, keep up that outlook… and you look too young to be in here, so keep your head down.”

- jeff the dork

That interaction probably hit better than most of my material that night.  Not that I sucked… but rather everyone laughed and felt so hopeful and happy to have a nice girl like that in their midst.

I felt great about last night.  The crowd was huge, I got tons of laughs, I stuck confidently to my jokes, and I even got some applause breaks.  It was the type of show that makes me want to keep doing this for a couple more years.

I appriciate all the support I had from people coming up from Orange County.  I promise we will all invade a comedy club in Orange County soon.  So you all don’t have to drive as much.

Till then, I will keep doing my 6 minutes on the main stage at the comedy store.

University High School :: Speaker Series :: June 2009

Thanks to Allison White for inviting me to speak at Uni yesterday. It was incredibly fun. And once again, it felt great to be back at a school I love so much.

We laughed, we almost cried… and we definitely made fun of Twilight.

The best part of the talk was when I asked a student to think back to when he was a kid… and then share with us what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he responded with::

OVERLORD OF EARTH

My sources have put together what this student might look like once he takes control of the Earth in the future::

Possible Cyborg Implants

Possible Horse Hair Crown

Possible Horse Hair Crown

He might be a genius or maybe insane!

He might be a genius or maybe insane!

Needless to say, I was intimidated. Most students say “cowboy” or “Fireman” or even “I want to be a Unicorn”…. but never have I heard “Overlod of Earth.” That position Doesn’t even exist yet!!!

But hell, computers barely existed when Bill Gates said he was going to be a billionare, technologically reinvent how our society interacts, and find a hot chick to marry him. People probably said he was crazy too. So good luck Overlord of Earth, and I hope to be on the list of people you let live in your new unified order for the Future.
Here are some pictures from the event::

New Tshirts On Sale Today at UNI

I am going to be selling my new tshirts today for the first time at University High School after my talk.

Then shortly afterwards, I will be selling them via my website.

I will be selling two shirt designs:

::Icarus::
penguin

Icuras is a character I developed for a cartoon I am working on drawing. I think a penguin that wants to fly so badly that he becomes a pilot is inspirational.

::Fish Tank::

fishtank

I drew this shirt idea for my brother as a portion of my wedding present.  I wanted something that could work as a single-drawing joke… and still be kind of hard core. FISH TANK… get it?

If you are interested in a shirt prior to the “Jeff Clinard Store” officially opening, feel free to contact me via the contact tab on this website.

The LOCAL 132 improv War Horse marches on!

Local 132 won the 2007 Harold Competition.

And after our past two victories… we are on our way to do it again.

Every year our theater puts all of the improv teams against each other to see who can be considered the BEST team in Los Angeles.

Our theater started the careers of Mike Myers, Tina Fey, Christ Farley, and countless other legendary comedians. So to be named the BEST team at this theater means a great deal.

And we’re on our way to be given that title for a second time.

We have won 2 rounds of the competition so far.

we beat Elegant Ronald  in Round 1::

defeat2


And we beat Johnny Astronaut in Round 2::

defeat


This week we are in the Semi Finals, and we play the legendary USS ROCK n ROLL::

ussrocknroll
Our show is next tuesday @ 9 pm.

It is audience voted, so we need your support.

Here is a link to the facebook event::

facebookevent2
See you all there!!

.:Local 132 – Weds 8pm:.

I am part of an award winning improv team::

Local 132

localbanner2

If you haven’t seen us before, we take a one word suggestion from an audience and then proceed to IMPROVISE a half hour comedy show completely from the top of our heads.

We are very good at what we do, and this month we get to prove it.

We are competing for the title of the::

2009 Harold Competition Champions


Basically fighting for the title of best improv team in LA.

We need your support, so if you are free this wednesday, please come by and watch some of the best and most original comedy in the WORLD!

RSVP via the FACEBOOK event::

facebookevent1

Date:
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Time:
8:00pm – 9:00pm
Location:
IO West Main-Stage
Street:
6366 Hollywood Blvd.
City/Town:
Hollywood, CA

I look forward to seeing you there.

Comedy Store INVASION = Success

Last Night’s Show was amazing!

Thanks to everyone that was able to make it out.

I had fans (fans = people my Parents, Brother, and girl friend made come) who ranged from barely allowed into the club to well over senior citizen.

We had literally 42 people there for me!
Since I was paid based upon the crowd I brought, you all helped me afford a much better mothers day present for Dr. Linda Clinard this weekend.

Possible mothers-day presents::

Diamonds

Lamborgini

Lion Riding a Horse

The night was a mix of verteran comics and newbees.

Some of the comics were pretty rough, but most were AWESOME!

Vargus, the guy that books the show, was hilarious.

My friends and I just love seeing my dad Laugh at his jokes about the male reproductive process… which confirms my assumption that my dad DOES know what sex is.

Good to know.

My set was great.
Here is a picture of me, waiting in the greenroom of the Comedy Store.

I tried some new jokes about accidentally using lotion with glitter…

and about LA parking enforcement…

Keeping LA annoyed one citation at a time.

Keeping LA annoyed one citation at a time.

(We had street sweeping today on my street… I hate those guys.)

The best hitting joke I think was a toss up between the african american midget joke and my glitter material.

Leave a comment letting me know what you liked best.
Just so I know what to keep.

Thanks again for coming last night everyone.
Lets do it again sometime.

.:Show Tonight!!! – Comedy Store:.

“Hilarious!”

“The new bar of comedy excellence”

“If Lance Armstrong was a comic, he would be Jeff Clinard.”

“Jeff’s humor cures 75 percent of all known diseases 87 percent of the time.”

“Jeff’s jokes are made from free range punchlines and are certified organic.”

“I laughed so hard that i imidiately wanted to give jeff money.”

“Back to the Future is better than your favorite movie. And jeff is better than your favorite comic.”

These are all quotes I just made up.

Here is the event info::

(click here for the facebook event)

What :: The Comedy Store, Main Room, @ 8pm
When :: Thu May 7 8pm – Thu May 7 10pm
Where :: The Comedy Store, 8433 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA

Description::
there Will be food,
21 and over
be there early (7:45 pm)

the cost is $15

If you need tickets, you can contact me in advance.

And if you come you are really helping me out because I get a percentage of the door.

Come support live comedy by coming to see some amazing stand up at the WORLD FAMOUS COMEDY STORE. And this isnt a side room show, this is a MAIN ROOM SHOW.

I will be sharing the stage with the best and brightest comics around LA.

It is an honor to be invited to perform here, for me to get invited back I need to have a ton of people come. (I am shooting for 20)

Also, the more people I bring, the more they will pay me. So I would love to see you there, and my brother would love to see you there so i don’t have to borrow another 40 bucks.

I am the inspiration for the future :: Los Angeles :: January 13

I was driving and received a call from the City of Irvine.

I had done a speaking series for a Middle School Conference a couple months ago, it went great… so they were calling me to do another series for a High School Conference!!!!

Excitedly, I pull over to take notes on the call.

I ask the man on the phone::

“What do you want me to talk about with the students?”

He Responds::

” They are turning 18 and growing up..

We want you to talk about being a responsible adult, and what it takes to grow up into a good citizen…”

It was when he went on to mention financial and social responsibility that I realized I had been taking notes on the back of my most recent parking ticket… Responsible adult. 
I don’t mention that, I just say::

“Yeah I can come up with something… we’ll keep in touch.”

parkingnotes

I’m an adult. 

And if you are the guy from the City of Irvine… don’t worry I paid the ticket, and I am a great choice for the conference. (pheww… just dodged being labeled irresponsible)

Deck the Halls with Bloggs of Holly :: Orange County :: December 25th

First blogg in a while!!!

Where did I GO?!?

Well let me tell you.

I have spent the past month randomly having winter adventures.

For a man that makes all of his Christmas presents… December is kinda the busiest time of year for me.

I am like an elf, without the overly effeminate features.

elfjeff

I made a ton of tshirts and scarves and even some gloves for Dickie. Everyone loved em, and I even got some more requests to make some more personalized clothing.

Here are some pictures of some of what I made for people this year so far.

I made mom a sweatshirt

I made mom a sweatshirt!!!

I made my brothers fiance a Scarf.

 

—————————————————————————————————————————–

This was the first year in a long time that I had a girlfriend during the holidays. Therefore I just kept mumbling to myself:: “don’t screw it up Clinard.”

My lady’s name is Jamie ::

jamie-drawing

…and she is pretty easygoing, but just because she would be cool with anything I gave her, doesn’t mean I can just drop the ball here.

Good gift giving is like a magic trick, it is all in the misdirection. Make her think you are a totally inept so that when you give her any present… it has the same feeling as Helen Keller learning to communicate.

To properly distract her from her actual present, I just got her a bunch of ingredients to make s’mores and I wrapped that up in a box with a t-shirt I made her.

Jamie doesn’t like star wars that much, so i made her a star wars t shirt that says that she does.

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img_0214

On the day of our gift exchange she opened the box.

She did not know that those S’more ingredients were just a part of the present… so it was hilarious to see her fake excitement when opening a package just containing a bunch of random bars of chocolate and crackers. “Ohhhh woww, Everybody loves smores. Thank you jeff.” If I just got her s’more stuff that would be dumb.

I told her I had one more present outside, but it was for her cat Penelope. She went outside saw a fire pit with a bow on it and it all came together. BOOM! JEFF SUCCEEDS!!!

When I think of romantic gift I think FIRE PIT.

So I bought her a fire pit. She loves fire pits… random.

I enjoyed being able to buy a romantic gift from a hardware store.

She was stoked, but If this Christmas thing was a competition…She won.

She had wrapped a small box and gave it to me. I opened it.  I was praying it wasn’t a wedding ring… not that it wouldn’t be nice, but she wasn’t on a knee and if I am gonna be proposed to, treat me like a lady. But there was no ring.

In the box was a little wooden heart, and upon taking the heart out she excitedly yelled “I WHITTLED IT!”

Let it sink in

My

Girlfriend

Freaking

Whittled

Me

My Christmas GIFT!!!!

img_0215

I don’t think I could have been more excited if she had killed and stuffed my Christmas gift (which would have also been rad, so there is always my birthday present to look forward to.)

She then proceeded to show me the cuts on her hands from all the times the knife slipped while whittling. She wounded herself to make me a present!!

I later found out that she originally had wanted to whittle me something more detailed like a walrus or a bear::

bearwalrus

But I am glad she didn’t. If she had, I am sure should would have lost a finger or an arm, or accidentally cut off her boob or something. Now, for the record… I would have still dated her if that had happened, but the t-shirt I made her would fit funny.

jamie-drawingnoarm